• Surviving the nightmare of Christmas

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Technically, Christmas should never be referred to as a nightmare. We all know, however, that Christmas shopping, combined with a lack of adequate planning, can result in headaches, tension, insanity and divorce. Especially now, what with the newspaper headlines shouting GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS, blasting us out of our merry over-spending, we need to somehow keep the Christmas cheer alive while trying to save money. Below are some tips that may help you tackle the festive season with only an occasional eye twitch.

Tip no.1: Do as much shopping online as possible in the weeks before Christmas. This requires planning in advance, which I know is difficult for some, however it can save you on time, money and frustration. Online shopping is particularly good for those of us who work full-time and don’t want to spend our precious weekends battling the crowds in the city. You can also find some genuine discounts from retailers who don’t have to pay rent on an actual storefront, and who therefore can offer the same products at lower prices.

Tip no.2: Do some research, then make a detailed present list. Again, this takes a little time and effort but believe me, it will save you time and money in the long run, as you won’t be traipsing from store to store in increasing frustration, totally unable to find anything suitable and willing to spend more money out of sheer desperation. My list goes something like:

Brother no.1: Motorbike gloves. Brand: Fox. Store: I have no idea where to buy these things.

Brother no.2: Skinny jeans. Brand: Cheap Mondays. Store: Alphaville. (yes, I know which ones to buy, because we wear the same unisex jeans. Very handy but somewhat lame).

Mother: Book. Any book. As long as it’s a novel. Store: Any store, as long as it sells books.

Father: Book on antique Chinese porcelain glazes. Store: abebooks.com

Housemate: Japanese teapot. Store: ebay, hopefully.

Ex-boyfriend: Wool scarf. (He lives in Sydney, so it will be totally useless).

Tip no.3: This concerns food, arguably the most important part of Christmas, in fact possibly the MEANING of Christmas. If you get the food right, everything else will follow. The family won’t give a rats about what presents they did or didn’t get if they’re feeling full and sleepy from masses of excellent food. Before you do anything, make a food budget, and prioritise whatever part of the meal is most important to you. Don’t skimp on the meat (unless your family is vegetarian, in which case don’t skimp on the lentils and mung beans), and order all meat and seafood products from your favourite butcher in advance – WELL in advance. Buy in bulk whatever you consume most, as well – chocolate, wine, whatever your favourite thing is. Pile up the table with tasty salads as well, you’ll be surprised how well a good potato salad or three bean salad goes with…well, everything. And salads don’t cost much. Also, if you’re anything like me, you’ll spend as much time making the gravy as you do cooking the turkey, and you’ll proceed to pour it over EVERYTHING, until your entire plate is swimming in a sea of delicious brown goo. See below for a recipe for the best gravy in the world.*

Tip no. 4: Don’t waste money on expensive Christmas crackers – kids only care about the bang that it makes when you pull on it, and the cheap ones work just as well for this. Same goes for Christmas tree decorations, which are pretty easy to make at home, or if you don’t have the time just head to a $2 shop for some baubles and tinsel – as long as the tree is shiny and colourful no one’s going to call you a cheapskate.

Tip no.5: If you do brave the department stores, and feel yourself going quietly insane from the awful, mind-numbing Christmas carols, just break into song too. Practice your opera skills to ‘White Christmas’ or ‘All I really want for Christmas is you’. As well as releasing much-needed endorphins into your brain, it will have the double benefit of horrifying your children so much that they will stop asking for all those outrageously expensive gifts and run screaming out of the store, vowing never to speak to you ever again. Everybody wins!

Tip no.6: If you must leave your shopping til Christmas Eve, at least get drunk first. It will be less painful.

*Recipe for the best gravy in the world:

Ingredients:

Meat juice

Red wine

Plain flour

Vegemite

Recently boiled water

Start making it about 10 minutes before the meat is fully cooked. Boil some water, then pop a deep oven tray on the stove on low heat. Remove the meat from the oven and pour any spare juice into the tray. Put the meat back in the oven. Sprinkle a bit of flour in the tray to soak up the juice (note: do NOT remove the fat from the juice! It’s Christmas, for God’s sake! A little bit of delectable animal fat to make the gravy rich and thick won’t hurt you) and stir in well using a wooden spoon. Add a small splash of water to thin it out. Keep adding ingredients in bits and pieces – a splash of red wine, a large (OK, massive) dob of Vegemite, bit more water, touch more flour….none of this is rocket science and don’t bother measuring anything. Go with your gut instinct (no pun intended). Just keep stirring slowly on a low simmer until the meat is ready.

When you take the meat out, let it rest a few minutes before you do anything. Then, pour all the juice in the meat tray into the gravy. Stir constantly. Let the meat rest a few more minutes, then repeat. Then add more wine if needed, more water, etc. By the time it’s ready to serve it should be smooth and thick but not gluggy.

Important note: do NOT substitute anything for the Vegemite. Vegemite is a key ingredient and Marmite, Gravox etc. is just not cricket.

Thank me later.

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